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 Joke for the day

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Cloister_the_Stupid
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PostSubject: Joke for the day   Sat Feb 06, 2010 7:53 pm

) My wife sat down on
the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

2) My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

3) Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph,
so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started .

4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get
so stressed, and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!"

So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny & sleek that goes from 0 to 150 in about
3 seconds'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started..

7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly
silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

8.) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?'

And then the fight started...

9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

10) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat
and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....


Last edited by Cloister_the_Stupid on Sat Feb 06, 2010 10:04 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Sat Feb 06, 2010 7:54 pm

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas..

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Sat Feb 06, 2010 7:58 pm

Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Sat Feb 06, 2010 9:28 pm

cheers
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Sat Mar 20, 2010 3:30 pm

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the
School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your
time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6.. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.




Now go back and read the third word in each line from the
top down and I
Betcha you cannot resist passing it on...........
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Sat Mar 20, 2010 5:21 pm

2) My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


that made me laugh Smile
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Sun Mar 21, 2010 12:43 am

The best part is Cloister, is that those first jokes were on the hun the last week.
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Sat Apr 03, 2010 12:36 pm

holy crap i shld visit these forums more often.... i'm missing quite a bit of this stuff u guys have here
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Sat May 22, 2010 12:35 pm

Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and, Mary, his wife says, 'Where
the hell have you been?'
Larry replies: 'I was out getting a tattoo!'
'A tattoo?' she frowned.
'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
'I got a hundred dollar bill
on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'
"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a
hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Hospital, room 233.
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Thu Aug 19, 2010 12:01 pm

Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners.."


CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Oct 12, 2010 4:35 pm

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled
it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards
on the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table .. Everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be .... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see. Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free
education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic
citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the thousands. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments
are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor; your child's second grade class is
behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak
english.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other than the "Maple Leaf" are
squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government
to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
Just continue cleaning up the poop

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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Tue Apr 12, 2011 6:12 am

An American, an Indian and a Russian got to hell after they've died and were met by the Devil who was wielding a huge whip.

The Devil said, "I'll give each of you one chance to go to heaven, all you have to do is withstand three lashes from my whip, also you can defend yourself with anything here. So who is going to go first?"

An American steps forward and says, "I will go first and I will defend myself with this rock" and picks up a huge granite rock."

"Very well," says the devil.

First lash - the rock shatters into million pieces. Second lash - an American screams in agony. "You have to stay in hell!" says the Devil and asks who will go second.

"I will go second," says the Indian.

"What will you defend yourself with?" asks the Devil.

"Nothing, I've been practicing Yoga for last 80 years, and impervious to pain," says an Indian.

-"OK" says the Devil. First lash - Indian stays still. Second lash - nothing. Third lash - no effect. The Devil is very surprised and says, "You are the first ever to pass my test, you may go to heaven."

"Thank you," says the Indian, "but if I may I would like to stay back and watch because in these jokes the Russian always wins and I want to see what happens."

"Very well, you may stay for now." says the Devil.

He turns to the Russian and says, "well it's your turn, what will you defend yourself with?"

The Russian answers with no hesitation: "Well it is pretty obvious, with an Indian of course."
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Sat Jul 30, 2011 4:34 pm

Indian Wanting Coffee:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other..

He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in Canadian government caucus:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave shit for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Sat Jul 30, 2011 6:07 pm

cheers cheers cheers
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Sun Jul 31, 2011 4:04 pm

So kanucks are disgruntled with their government too? I always thought Canada was this perfect little place where everyone was happy so long as you could tolerate living in a frozen wasteland.
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Sun Jul 31, 2011 7:02 pm

1. Nothing is perfect anywheres
2. Canada is not all a frozen wasteland.
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Wed Aug 17, 2011 3:20 pm

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' ; So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' ' Yes, she's out in the garden too ' The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. ' Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What's that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What's going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME '

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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Wed Aug 17, 2011 7:12 pm

And i thought the kid was still in the balloon!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Mon Nov 19, 2012 10:13 pm

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch. He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch" The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc.. At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out. "This is piss!" he yells. The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Mon Nov 19, 2012 10:13 pm

A family is driving behind a garbage truck, when all of a sudden a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield. The Mom looks at the kids in the backseat and says, "Wow, what a huge bug!" The youngest kid says, "Yeah, but did you see the dick on it!"
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PostSubject: Re: Joke for the day   Mon Nov 19, 2012 10:14 pm

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar..." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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