Joke time...

THE BUS AND THE ZIPPER


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus..
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise



her leg. Again, she
tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know
who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we were friends.'

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,"But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

Jesus Senility, before i tried it i had my 11 year old beside me so i tried it on him and when we checked out the answer well.....things got a little embarrissing lol. I should have known better eh!!!!

You picked Mrs Doubtfire didnt you

Haha, funny.

OMFG........................
My number was 9 I pick another number and another ..Pretty amazing lmao

1nsane wrote:

OMFG........................
My number was 9 I pick another number and another ..Pretty amazing lmao

hahhaha

I love directive conclusions.

Br8kaway wrote:

Jesus Senility, before i tried it i had my 11 year old beside me so i tried it on him and when we checked out the answer well.....things got a little embarrissing lol. I should have known better eh!!!!

My 16 year old laughed. My wife said she does not like any kind of anal sex, goat or otherwise, my other kids just keep trying different numbers and don't get it (except the 21 year old- he says I am silly).

So a woman meets up with her girlfriends for a drink after work.

Sitting at the bar enjoying her drink, a man approaches her and says, "You are the most gorgeous thing I've ever laid eyes on. I'd love to chew your nipples off..." The woman appauled, exclaims, "There is no way you would speak to me in this tone had my husband in here." The man smiles and says, I didn't even tell you the best thing I'd love to do to you... I want to turn you upside down, on to your head, fill your snatch up with beer and drink it dry." The woman in a fury, stands up, puts her coat on and runs home... she lives only a few doors down from the bar. She runs into the house, where her husband is sitting on the couch watching tv... The woman says, "You wouldn't beleive what this man said to me at Barney's Pub a minute ago. He told me that he wanted to chew my nipples off." The man gets up from the couch and moves to the closet to find his coat. He puts it on and heads toward the door. The woman stops him, "I didn't even get to tell you the worst part of what he said. He told me that he wanted to stand me on my head, fill my vagina with beer and drink it dry."

The man immediately takes his coat off and sits back down. The woman frustrated says, "Doesn't that make you angry? Aren't you going to go take care of him for me?" The man says, "Nope... I'm not messing with anybody that can drink that much beer..."

So this old lady in a nursing home is feeling a little frisky. She puts on her robe and grabs her walker and hobbles down the hall to her neighbor's room. She throws the door open, unties her robe and says "Super Pussy!!". The guy shakes his head sadly and says, "I'm sorry, my junk hasn't worked since World War II."
Still frisky, she ties her robe back and goes down the hall to the next guy's room. Same thing...throws open the door, unties her robe and says "Super Pussy!!" The second guy tells her, "I would love to but my junk got blown off in a land mine accident in Korea."
Determined to get her some good loving, she ties her robe again and goes to the next guy's room. She throws open the door, unties her robe and says "Super Pussy!!"
The guy eyes her up and down and replies:
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"I think I'll have the soup."

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'UCK' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

I want![quote]

A baby seal walks into a club.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.” Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks. “They’ll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years,” he replies. The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?” The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

hahahaha nice one sen

All I can say is, "Damn..."

Holy shit. Karma

A successful businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers licence number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

A year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the Casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked the driver? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab!" yelled the driver. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers...

wow, ^ that guy is psychotic. almost everyone has been cheated on at some point. he went through great lengths to get his revenge.. what happened to calling her a bitch and moving out?

harleyquinn wrote:

wow, ^ that guy is psychotic. almost everyone has been cheated on at some point. he went through great lengths to get his revenge.. what happened to calling her a bitch and moving out?

Sometimes calling a woman just doesn't cut it. This guy has balls and finally decided to put them to use. I say this should be a mandatory read for any woman who decides she can play a guy...

vice-versa as well.